The Boringest Thing I've Ever Posted

Two days ago I woke up at around 11:23 am and I lay in bed for around 15 minutes making it 11:38 am when I actually got out of bed. I then checked my cellular phone but I had no text messages, so I put it back on my desk after I turned the ringer on.

Then I walked out to the kitchen where my mother and sister were, but since it was Friday my father was at work and my brother was at school. I had a really eventful breakfast consisting of peanut butter on toast and Earl Grey tea and then when I was done, I took my plate back to the kitchen and washed it because I`m a good child.

I read Eclipse for around 3 hours, making it 3 pm when I put it down on my nightstand. I got to around page 283. I got up and then made my lunch in the empty house because my mother had taken my sister to pick up my brother from school. I made a sandwich with left over chicken from the night before and some lettuce and tomatoes that I cut. The bread that I used was whole grain but it tasted a lot like white bread so I became suspicious. I checked the ingredients on the bread bag and, believe it or not, there was white flour in it. I was going to call the bread company but decided against it.

Then I continued to read Eclipse, and almost finished it. I got to the Epilogue and then put it down. By then it was 8:29 pm. I put it down to save the Epilogue for the next day. Then I went to bed after having a shower and using Herbal Essences to wash my hair. I also used Colgate Mint Expression Toothpaste. When I got into bed I marveled at the fact that I was there just 9.5 hours ago.



You know, some people`s blogs are actually like this.
Tada! The boringest thing I`ve ever posted.

Segregation, Impossibilities

I wonder if you could actually fuck your life.

I mean, fmylife has become a worldwide phenomenon (which really means it's a worldwide phenomenon in my life since I check it obsessively) and no one really thinks about what it implies and if it could be done.

Fuck your own life? That's like... eating your own head or drinking all your blood or removing your brain with your own hands and looking at it. Gory but simply impossible.

Life is not something that you can have sex with.

It's incorporeal. It's not matter or anything that you could have a child with (I wonder what that child would look like: half human, half life). Even if you used protection it's still not possible.

Speaking of the impossible, it's impossible not to see a marginal hipster and atleast 98 scenesters when walking on Granville. Most of these scenesters will be fat and dressed like classics: Converse, Vans, or something. Tight shirts that bare all. Gross hair. And the hipsters are something else completely; I'll just say one thing: paisleysilkshirtsandbrownleather.

Since this post has been slightly negative, what with all the impossibilities, I'll end with something that can be done: Caucasian segregation. Oh yeah.

The Miracle of Life

Watching TV (television) again and a testimonial type advertisement came on. I laughed and everbody looked at me oddly. But nothing could compare to what came next.

The ad was for Sensodyne Toothpaste which apparently took away toothache pains. A woman dressed in a nice pantsuit came on and said this:

"My teeth were just in incomparable pain. I couldn't eat solid food, and the pain was constant. It was worse than labour."

Did you hear that? Worse than labour. Worse than labour. Okay. Apparently this woman's toothache was more painful that shoving a baby out her vag. Makes sense. Yeah. I mean, obviously when she had her child (who ran into the scene after she had given her testimonial, btdubs) he just magically appeared in her arms after nine months.

Speaking of childbirth, I hate it in movies when they have to reenact it. Like, we all know to an extent what happens during especially if you had to watch a movie in school called a lame name along the terms of "The Miracle of Childbirth" or "The Birth of a Child" or "Life, in Seven Disgusting Hours Compacted Into 25 Minutes". So why?
The actresses that have to do the extremely uncomfortable scene (or sometimes actors, you know, film these days) will have these greatly unflattering clips in the world forever more and can you imagine filming it? I mean, obviously it isn't real (or is it?), but the stage directions. And the awkwardness.

"Hey... so spread your legs... yeah, just put them up in these strap things... okay, now he-- yeah, him in the doctor's outfit-- he's going to... you know. And you're going to have to scream and also... can you make the blood rush to your face? I want it red... how 'bout you hand upside down for a bit... okay, now here's the fake sweat..."

God, personally I'd drop out. Especially if I'd already had a child. Hell no, I already had the live, real version of this. How 'bout you do it?

Is the Pope Catholic?

The world was shocked when Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America, asked if the pope was Catholic.

In an interview with renowned reporter Bill Doharry from Vanity Fair, it seemed to be going well. Obama, the 44th president, was relaxed and the mood was light. The interview took place in the White House, in the president's study. It was aired on television on March 5th.

When asked if he would be working to help solve the country's current economic crisis, Obama responded with a laugh, "Is the pope Catholic?" Doharry chuckled and continued the interview somewhat warily. Those in the room (two of Obama's guards, Michelle Obama, and his new puppy) seemed shocked at his bluntly naive answer but said nothing.

After the interview, which was live, the phones in the White House started ringing like mad, said an unnamed source. All of them were shocked that Obama had the nerve to insinuate that the pope might not be Catholic. Most of the calls were hateful, although an organization that refused to name itself supported the president's suspicion and wished him well.

However, Pope Benedict XVI, the 265th Pope and Bishop of Rome, who lives in Rome, could not have been angrier. In a public statement about the accusation, the Pope said:

"I am absolutely outraged that the president of the United States, whom I had respected until this Friday past, could even think that I might not be Catholic. Of course I am Catholic. I'm the motherfucking Pope!"
In an attempt to quell the onlooking crowds, Benedict assured them that he would be "having a little talk" with Barack Obama.

How was Obama coping with the rising tide of haters and shocked Catholics all over the world? In a response statement to the current pope: "By using the common saying Is the pope Catholic? I, in no way at all, meant to suggest that the pope is not Catholic. Of course I believe that the pope is Catholic; he wouldn't be the pope if he wasn't." He paused and said, with air quotes, "Does a bear shit in the woods?. Chill the fuck out, I got this."

Bears all over the world are outraged.

Testimonials

"I've never tasted anything like it in my life!"

"My back is completely cured! Thanks, SleepCountry!"

"Your life will change with this duster."

"If you haven't tried VacuuSuck, then you haven't lived your life."

"This chocolate bar will end all your problems!"

When I turn on the television to watch iCarly, advertisements pop up. I'm not going to go into my whole rant about advertisements because I've already done that, but I really dislike testimonials and feel the need to speak out about these things that pepper the good television on Teletoon and YTV.

You know it's a testimonial. The screen goes black for about 5 seconds, then tinny and generic elevator music comes on. The camera rotates around the room, showing the real fake flowers, the patterned overstuffed pleather armchairs, and the plastic covers over the couches. Then it focuses in on an older adult, usually a woman unless it's a tool or lumber ad.

This woman is dressed in a pantsuit usually, unless she is giving a testimonial on clothing. The pantsuit is either denim or something polyester like? Maybe fake linen or maybe even spandex. It's usually a dark and earthy colour like brown or purple or green. She then smiles at the camera. The overly bright lamps in the room are all winking in the camera. She then launches into a detailed explanation of how her life was before she bought this product.

"I was depressed. I couldn't get out of bed. When I did get out of bed, it was always raining and earthquakes happened everyday. When I got the courage to go outside, a hurricane popped out of nowhere. All the food I ate had no taste; I saw no colours even though I'm colour blind. I didn't know what to do with my life; it was a failure."

After this heartwrenching tale, she describes her life now, after buying the product.

"But then, once I bought FlexiGrip Cotton Socks, my life clicked back into place. The sun shined on my path, and everything I did was successful. I got a promotion, and found fifty million dollars on the ground. I was infertile before, but then I suddenly had a child. My colour blindness was cured."

After, a white screen pops up with lots of information on contact details. A male voice over (always male) repeats the contact phone number 19 times, each time getting more intense until the last time when he is yelling it and this phone number rings through your home. Then it flashes back to the woman sitting primly on the plastic covered chair, smiling widely, pulling the socks on. Then:

"Buy FlexiGrip Cotton Socks. Your life will shine brightly."

Next time you see a testimonial, look for the tell tale signs and write a letter to the company.

And then back to regularly scheduled iCarly.

Be Mean to Everyone

-->I found a word in the dictionary and I'm waiting for just the right moment to say it. So I think that there should be a specific time set in the day where people just say random words. About 30 seconds, around lunch time. Just spew forth the knowledge and the interesting words that they know. Ready? "Tintinnabular".

Isn't that fantastic? It means "pertaining to the sound of bells, or ringing".
I think everyone would be better off. It wouldn't solve world poverty or hunger or global warming or anything though.

That's another thing: people refer to major crises like math equations that have simple answers when in fact they don't.

Solve and show all work:
x= hunger, y= poverty, z= global warming, n= overpopulation, m= wars and conflict

And then the bullying thing.

Solve without using a calculator:
p= pink, d= bully, x= victim, r= reason for bullying

I brought up bullying because this week is National Bullying Week or something. I know, that sounds really cool; it sounds like a week where all the bullies in the school are allowed to publicly bully anyone and not get in trouble. But that's really not it because I think that the parents of the victims would be slightly outraged and our school would probably be sued.
No, it's a bullying awareness week where we are reminded that bullying can take any form, and can hurt everybody, etc. etc.

Even though I technically am still in bullying week, just for right now I'm going to say that I live in Australia and that it is Friday, 2:35 pm. And since I try to miss school as frequently as possible on Fridays, it really is the weekend for me right now because I live in Australia, so bullying week is over for me. So that means I can be mean to anyone I want without the Pikester reminding me about the genuinity of spirit.

Speaking of odd time differences, if it's your birthday in your current country on any given day, you can travel to a place in the world where you are still technically your previous age, or, a place where you have been your new age for a while.

Enjoy this post, Valerie. It may be the last one. (Jaws theme). For a while.

Fiftay

This blog post is my 50th blog post. That means that I have written 49 blog posts previous to this one, and once I press the "Publish Post" button, I will have posted 50 blog posts.

I think there should be such things as professional kazoo-recorder bands.
Because the kazoo is the most annoying kind of sound maker imaginable, and everybody who lives in North America knows how to play the recorder, so it would be pretty convenient.

I also think that there should be different kinds of instrument Hero. Like Saxophone Hero or French Horn Hero. Ocarina Hero would be pretty cool too, and Dijireedoo Hero, and Clarinet Hero. Flute Hero. I would play them and they should also make Bass Guitar Hero for me, but they already have that so I'm good.

I don't want to write anymore because oh, the movie is so good. And oh, the peanut butter cookies we made smell so good so I'm going to communicate my 5oth with the beauty of pictures.