Testimonials

"I've never tasted anything like it in my life!"

"My back is completely cured! Thanks, SleepCountry!"

"Your life will change with this duster."

"If you haven't tried VacuuSuck, then you haven't lived your life."

"This chocolate bar will end all your problems!"

When I turn on the television to watch iCarly, advertisements pop up. I'm not going to go into my whole rant about advertisements because I've already done that, but I really dislike testimonials and feel the need to speak out about these things that pepper the good television on Teletoon and YTV.

You know it's a testimonial. The screen goes black for about 5 seconds, then tinny and generic elevator music comes on. The camera rotates around the room, showing the real fake flowers, the patterned overstuffed pleather armchairs, and the plastic covers over the couches. Then it focuses in on an older adult, usually a woman unless it's a tool or lumber ad.

This woman is dressed in a pantsuit usually, unless she is giving a testimonial on clothing. The pantsuit is either denim or something polyester like? Maybe fake linen or maybe even spandex. It's usually a dark and earthy colour like brown or purple or green. She then smiles at the camera. The overly bright lamps in the room are all winking in the camera. She then launches into a detailed explanation of how her life was before she bought this product.

"I was depressed. I couldn't get out of bed. When I did get out of bed, it was always raining and earthquakes happened everyday. When I got the courage to go outside, a hurricane popped out of nowhere. All the food I ate had no taste; I saw no colours even though I'm colour blind. I didn't know what to do with my life; it was a failure."

After this heartwrenching tale, she describes her life now, after buying the product.

"But then, once I bought FlexiGrip Cotton Socks, my life clicked back into place. The sun shined on my path, and everything I did was successful. I got a promotion, and found fifty million dollars on the ground. I was infertile before, but then I suddenly had a child. My colour blindness was cured."

After, a white screen pops up with lots of information on contact details. A male voice over (always male) repeats the contact phone number 19 times, each time getting more intense until the last time when he is yelling it and this phone number rings through your home. Then it flashes back to the woman sitting primly on the plastic covered chair, smiling widely, pulling the socks on. Then:

"Buy FlexiGrip Cotton Socks. Your life will shine brightly."

Next time you see a testimonial, look for the tell tale signs and write a letter to the company.

And then back to regularly scheduled iCarly.