High Heels

Women that cannot wear high heels should not force their high heeled selves on the unsuspecting world. If you fit into any of the following categories, please take your high heels, whether 5 inch stilettos or half inch slides, and throw them into the nearest river/creek. Hopefully they wont impale the next child swimming in the water and scar them for life.

The Hobbler
This woman can be easily identified by the tottering gait and occasional almost-falls. Insisting on wearing at least 3 inchers, her garbage can has seen more than enough broken pieces of plastic, wood, or metal that once were beautiful shoes. On city streets she often twists her ankle and has to grab onto the bewildered pedestrian beside her, if there is one. After a while, her friends start to avoid walking with her, reassuring her that they'll "meet her there". Even strangers hurry past her on the sidewalks.

The Man
Adopting a forward oriented stance when leaving the house, this woman is usually under the age of 30 and doesn't know she looks like a man. With her shoulders forward, back angled dramatically to the front, and a 2 inch minimum, her friends and family are embarrassed to walk with her because she looks slightly like a penguin. Rarely does she arrive to her events on time because her strides are fit to match a four year old's.

The Rusher
While "The Man" rarely arrives to engagements on time, The Rusher (as the name implies) arrives to all her affairs 30 - 45 minutes early. This is because she walks so fast and with such long strides that people cannot tell who she is, or even what shoes she is wearing, which is really the whole point of wearing heels anyway. If she slows down she will fall, simple as that. Momentum is the only thing stopping her from crashing down onto the sidewalk and breaking the $350.00 heels she bought with her paycheck from her job that she hates.

The Runner
Many say that one is not a woman until she can run in heels. The Runner takes this to heart and vows to show everyone that she is a woman and can in fact run in heels. You'll see her on the streets running like there is an angry mob behind her wishing to steal her expensive shoes. You'll see her exiting a night club in a full sprint with nice, shiny black stilettos. You might even see her running in jogging pants, a windbreaker, a fanny pack, and... 3 inch heels. The problem is is that she can't, believe it or not, run in heels. This woman has broken and sprained every single bone in her foot and ankle area. Whether or not this makes her less of a woman or not, she is advised to retire her heels for health reasons.

The I-Need-Leverage Girl
Possibly the funniest heel-ed woman to encounter on the streets, she finds it necessary to spread her legs and turn her feet out to get the most possible leverage on the sidewalk. This gives her the appearance of an urban animal in heat and men that pass by her misconstrue her stance as an act of attraction. Thinking that the men are staring at her because of her shiny stilettos, she wears them more frequently. The cycle is never-ending.